Checklist for Repentance
If they are genuinely repentant, abusers will:
Adapted from Lundy Bancroft's article Checklist for Assessing Change in Men who Abuse Women. The adaptation was to put it in language that Christians would relate to more.
- Stop all blame-shifting. Stop blaming their spouse. Stop making excuses.
- Commit to going to a professionally run Behaviour Change Group for spouse-abusers.
- Admit, confess and accept responsibility for all their abuse, in full detail.
- Identify the attitudes that drive their abusiveness.
- Relinquish their attitudes of entitlement and superiority over their partner, even the last bastion and stronghold of their selfish sense of entitlement.
- Be accountable to group leaders, probation officers, courts, and any others who are overseeing their actions and attitudes.
- Accept the consequences of their actions.
- Resist feeling sorry for themselves if they have to pay consequences.
- Be honest and non-manipulative in their communication.
- Be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of their abuse on the partner and children.
- Attempt to right the wrongs by restoring losses which they've caused to their victims.
- Allow the hurt partner and children to take as much time as they need to heal.
- Not attempt to use behavioural improvements as bargaining chips.
- Not demand credit for behavioral improvements.
- Carry their own weight in all matters, including parenting.
- Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.
- Change how they respond to the grievances of their partners.
- Accept that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process.